I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
