just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Randomize
