Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
