Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
