just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
