On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I need a beard to bite.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
