I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
