just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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