I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
