she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
