I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize