yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
