the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
