I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
