3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Randomize
