Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize