There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize