My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
