I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
