We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
