u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
