my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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