i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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