I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
