Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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