dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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