About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
