I just cut my nipple shaving
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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