my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
They took my balls.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
