FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I want a musical about memes.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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