Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
