He kissed a someone with a penis
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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