Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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