shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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