Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
