I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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