I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize