I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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