Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize