On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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