so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My ass is underappreciated
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
