just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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