She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
