A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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