I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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