I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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