I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize