Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
