Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you didnt know i had herpes?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
