I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
