How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
