I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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