another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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