I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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