Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize