So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
