i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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