I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
