So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
