tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
